Small Things For Each Day

In the early days of baby loss, you seesaw between feeling everything to feeling nothing. It was important to us that we had anchors to your day; small things that create stability to an unstable time.

These are small things that we did to get through the first month:

 1. We told friends and family that we wanted to be left alone for the first two weeks. We needed to be alone to be together and for me to recover physically. Some people respected this; some people struggled. Stay firm in your boundary. Your well-being and recovery are more important than anything else.

 2. We made a small list of non-negotiables for each day. These included a daily dog walk together, cooking three meals a day together and having a shower together each morning. This last one made sure that we got dressed each day, but I also found it hard to be alone with my body. My bump was still there, so having my husband with me in the shower made that difficult, but necessary, thing easier to deal with.

 3. We made a list of the administration things we had to do and ticked one off each day. These included arranging the private ceremony we were having for our son; getting in touch with the social worker than we had be assigned to; going to doctor’s appointments and staying in contact with work. By doing this list, it felt less overwhelming and doing one each day meant we moved forward without doing too much before we were ready.

 4. Made a list of small things we could do for ourselves each day. For me, I watched an episode of a series I was watching at the time (The Crown) and I listened to one episode of a podcast (Dolly Parton’s America) each day. My husband took his car through the car wash and went to the DIY store. Small things to give structure and to help you switch off for a little while.

 5. Turn your phone off. I’d find that I was doing ok and then my phone would go and I’d be reminded of what had happened. Turning my phone off really helped me to control when I needed to switch off and when I was ready to read the lovely messages I was receiving.

I think having a small bit of structure to our days really helped us in the early days of baby loss. It gave us space to feel what we needed to feel whilst also making sure we got ready for the day and making us feel like we’d accomplished something.